(Ulysses, Priam, and Cassandra.)
Ulysses: Hey, Priam! Come on over to the rail! I won't shoot!
Priam: Ulysses, what do you want?
Ulysses: My men are sick and tired of this. You win.
Priam: Is that a fact! You're giving it up? It's only been ten years.
Ulysses: We want to go home. In parting, though, we'd like to bestow a gift.
Priam: What for?
Ulysses: As a token of respect.
Priam: Okay. What is it?
Ulysses: It's a giant horse made out of wood.
Priam: Nice! Does it have a special function?
Ulysses: Art.
Priam: Just art?
Ulysses: Just really good art if I may say so.
Priam: Was it your own design?
Ulysses: It was.
Priam: It must have taken weeks to create.
Ulysses: Months.
Priam: So then you knew, months ago, that you were going to quit the war?
Ulysses: Well okay, originally the gift was intended for Athena.
Priam: The goddess Athena? You vandalized her holy shrine.
Ulysses: We're sorry about that now.
Cassandra: Sneak.
Ulysses: Who's that?
Priam: It's my daughter, Cassandra. She's a prophetess.
Ulysses: What did she say?
Priam: She says you're a sneak.
Ulysses: What gives her such a high-handed opinion?
Priam: I don't know where she gets it.
Cassandra: Sneak is an anagram of snake.
Ulysses: What did she say?
Priam: She says you're an anagram of a snake.
Ulysses: I'm not an anagram of anything. I've come to call off the siege and to offer a parting gift as a gesture of respect.
Cassandra: Check.
Ulysses: What was that?
Priam: Cassandra says we should maybe take a look-see at this big horse that you have made out of wood for us.
Ulysses: Oh, it's down on the beach where we constructed it. You can't miss it. Huge.
Cassandra: Fetch.
Ulysses: What?
Priam: Cassandra is of the opinion that you should personally deliver the horse here for our inspection.
Ulysses: Oh, we've left it on a wagon so you can easily just roll it up through your gates and do your inspection at your leisure. And, Priam, if I may ask, when did you begin bending to the counsel of your weirdest daughter?
Priam: Relax. We never take Cassandra's advice about anything, do we, Cassandra?
Cassandra: No, Dad, you never do.
Priam: It's this curse she's got on her. She's always right, but nobody ever listens.
Cassandra: The curse was put on me by the god Apollo.
Ulysses: I find that hard to believe.
Cassandra: He was mad because I wouldn't kiss him behind the apple tree, if you know what I mean.
Ulysses: Oh, sure.
Priam: Anyhow, I don't think you need to bother dragging that big thing up here.
Ulysses: Good.
Cassandra: Spies.
Ulysses: What does she say now?
Priam: Oh, Cassandra thinks you might have spies in the horse. Do you?
Ulysses: Spice?
Cassandra: Secret agents. Assassins.
Ulysses: Come again?
Priam: Cassandra is asking, did you happen to put any secret agents or assassins in your horse?
Ulysses: What an idea! How would they fit?
Cassandra: Belly.
Priam: Cassandra says they could be so configured by a clever geometrician as to tuck neatly between the ribs.
Ulysses: Really! How would the men breathe in there?
Priam: Beats me.
Ulysses: They'd have to stay completely silent and never go to the bathroom. It's ludicrous. You don't actually buy this pot of wild poppies, do you?
Priam: No no, of course not.
Ulysses: Then why do you tote her along to a summit meeting like this?
Priam: Well, sometimes it's nice to hear the truth just before you disbelieve it.
Ulysses: Suit yourself. But look, the high tide calls, and my men are ready to set sail over the far horizon.
Cassandra: Be back.
Ulysses: What now?
Priam: Cassandra says you'll turn around and slip back under the curtain of nightfall.
Ulysses: Against the wind and tide? Why would we?
Cassandra: Kill everybody.
Ulysses: I heard that. You don't believe her now, do you, Priam?
Priam: No, even though she's obviously telling the truth.
Ulysses: Good. Well, I guess I'll be pushing off. Enjoy the afternoon.
Priam: Thanks. Have a safe trip home.
(Exit Ulysses.)
Cassandra: I'm telling you, Dad, that horse is bad news.
Priam: Oh, it's on wheels already. We'll just hitch up a mule team and bada-bam, we'll have that baby through the gates in time for beer o'clock.
Cassandra: I'm packing my bag and getting out of here before the whole place burns down.
Priam: Troy burn down? Ha ha! These walls are made of stone! Mostly!
(Exit Priam.)
Cassandra: Sometimes I wish I'd just kissed Apollo behind the apple tree. He's not bad-looking. A little full of himself. Has an anger-management problem in my opinion. Seriously, do you know why ravens are black? They had always been white birds. They were used as messengers. One day a raven brought Apollo some bad news—it was about a love affair—and Apollo's jealous rage was so intense it scorched the messenger permanently. That's a true story, but of course you won't believe me, will you?
(Switch.)